the switch...

I'm really trying to figure something out. Someone I care about oh so much told me she wished she had my switch. I was confused at first. It took a few seconds of thinking, and it clicked. I have a way with things today, that I don't let things bother me for more than a few minutes. I figure, every moment of discontentedness = a minute that could be spent happy and helping other people. I don't like everything that is going on in my life right now, but so be it. I can't do anything right this second to make all that go away, so I'm gonna try my best and strive for as close to perfect as I can get in getting past obstacles. If I want something, and I don't think it is obtainable, I have to accept that. If I'm involved with someone in any way and they decide to move on, I cannot just sit and fret over it. I don't want to waste any more time in this life stuck on something I can't do anything about. I'm not over some things and don't know when I will be, or if I will be. I can only try to get through them and in the future be wherever I am. I don't want anyone to sit and wait for me to finish holding on to crap. If I can't let something go, I don't want to complicate other people with those issues... especially if they are issues that potentially could hurt someone else. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just feel I need to live my life to the fullest and allow others to do the same. Life ain't always beautiful- I've said it before... so has the song... but it's a beautiful ride. So, I'm going to sit back, and enjoy the ride until God decides it's time for me to run out of gas. Life rocks today- even when it sucks... Life sucks so much better than it did when I was out there. I think I am going to stick around and see what wonderfulness happens!
I love ya'll
May God bless the remainder of your week~

Tuesday

I've got the notion that if I wear a patch and stay away from the house today, I will refrain from smoking for the day. I want to stop- I really do. And with all the chaos... I can either keep smoking and since I smoke too much when I'm stressed out, end up coughing my lungs up for the next few years. Or I can try to quit and hopefully keep my lungs where they are supposed to be. I have other health issues which are complicated by smoking, and I really want to get on the more healthy side of things. SOOOOOO- here goes my first try of the year.
Have a wonderfully blessed day and may the love of God surround you through it!

I, I, I.

I feel tired
I feel let down
I feel left behind.
I want something
I want to feel alive
I want to get back to moving forward
I don't like this
I don't like wondering
I don't like feeling replaced
I need to breathe
I need to get through this safely
I need to pray.
I miss what I never had
I miss what I took for granted
I miss what was never meant to be.
I am reaching out
I am reaching for something real
I am reaching and grasping onto nothing.
It's not raining anymore
The tears are no longer falling
So much hurt comes along with letting go.
How many times will I fall on my butt before I catch on?
How many people will I push away before I allow myself to move forward?
How many times will I allow him to get to me this way?
I want to be finished.
I want the hurt to end.
I want to close that chapter.
I really do.

And to think- life CAN get better than it is today. WOW!

I stuck to that decision I made and had the talk with someone. I am so glad I did, because it opened the door for bigger and better things to take place in my life. I had a wonderful evening with a wonderful person last night, I don't remember the last time I stayed up til later than two in the morning talking and listening to someone about something other than recovery. Learning about and getting to know someone more- being happy while doing so- it's not new to me, but for some reason I'm excited.
I'm getting ready to throw some clothes in the washing machine, and to clean up a little bit. I need to do that. I want to go to a meeting today- and I want to see my kids (which I will because I'm picking the girls up from school). I want to do so many things today, I can't list them all. I am happy- and I am free from worry today. I know that God is making things work out the way they are supposed to.
I'm changing, more than I expected- and I like it.

decisions

This morning proved to me that I am not in the right place with the person I am dating. He and I get along fabulously and have had an awesome time together. I been encountering little things that make me question, and yesterday I was in a spot knowing I needed to talk to him about he and I, but was waiting for a day where I wasn't super busy so that I could devote some time to questions he might have... and I also needed to pray about it and seek peace and understanding within myself so that I know for me that my motives are right in the WHOLE situation. I'm not gonna jinx anything that's falling into place yet so I'm keeping myself quiet about a few things. I'm happy in general- and I am at peace. I know that God is leading me in the right direction right now. I'm about to dive headfirst into my recovery effort- not so much time on me because I feel my spirituality being compromised by the things I've allowed in my life. It's time for me and God. Keep ya posted.
God bless and love you all.

a strange day

I have been doing alright, most days. Today I've kept my head held high. I have less than one hour left before another day begins. I've been sober all day- and if I can make it forty three minutes more, I'll be able to say that I've been sober for four months. This is exciting. My challenge lies in the life I live without my children with me constantly. I see them on the weekend, sometimes during the week I pick the girls up from school- or even just go have lunch with them. But I miss them. I miss what I took for granted for so very long. There is my regret that I carry all too heavily as a burden... I took my time with my family for granted. In May, I will have lived separate from my children for two years- and that hurts me. I see them whenever I want to, yet not tucking them in each night, not hugging them and seeing them every day, it takes a lot out of me. A LOT.
Emotionally, I've struggled for the last two days. I see that God has me right where He wants me to be. I see that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Yet I am having a hard time with acceptance.

morning- should not be confused with mourning

It's Friday! I'm picking up my children this afternoon and can't wait to see them. I have some time before I have to go to the school so I will probably go to a meeting and perhaps tan on my way to pick them up. Meeting is from twelve to one and I pick them up at two thirty, I need SOMETHING to do between, so there you go. I woke up at almost ten this morning. I'm not tired though, which is a good thing. I'm ready to face the day- even though I haven't gotten dressed yet. HA HA!
Hope you all have a wonderful and blessed day. Love and big hugs!

Monday Night

Ok, so I have these really good days, and I have some bad ones too. I will be honest and say that just because most of the time I've been given since September 17, 2008 has been very exciting and I've made more than the best of it, doesn't mean so much that I ALWAYS look at the positive in things. Though I know it makes life so much easier to view the positivity in a situation, I often fall into the negative thoughts... I grow from these but I dwell sometimes a little too long on what I should have done differently. Learning experiences, a very dear friend of mine calls them. I had quite a bit typed out after that, falling into something I do often of putting too much out in the open. I've learned that it can make some people uncomfortable when I put my feelings out there. I almost copied and pasted it into an email to the person, but realized that might not be a good idea either. I don't want to put anyone on the spot, especially with where I am in my life right now. There is a book I don't want to open again, because I'm convinced that I will be hurt. Not the same person I was talking about seeing today at the meeting, someone else. I am dating someone kinda exclusively right now. I respect him enough not to dig into the past while I am with him. I have plenty to say, but know it isn't right. I know I'm right where I need to be. I just realised something, I'm where I need to be, but that might not be the case tomorrow- I wish I could just open up the right way and that things would fall into place the way I want them to... lol! I'm going to go to bed and pray about this- it's time to pick up some pieces and put them back in their places.
Good night and as always, God bless you and keep you, safe and secure in His love.

a beautiful day outside

Hey everyone~ it's MONDAY. And you know what? It's so pretty outside, I can't find anything to be upset about. I went this morning to do my thing and pay the remaining part of a bill... then I went to a meeting at noon. I ran into someone I haven't talked to for a while and it was wonderful. I sat down beside the person, gave them a huge hug and am glad that I was able to see them again. It's a wonderful thing. Later I got a message from the person telling me that I looked really "cute", ha ha! I thanked them for the compliment... even though I'm thinking to myself, cute... yeah... ok.
And so, I'll be taking my step dad to the airport this afternoon, I'm ready to do that. Just waiting for him to talk to his uncle so we can go pick him up too- both are going to Ohio for the funeral. I'm glad that I can take them, do something for my dad while I'm sober... because for many years I couldn't be counted on for anything like this. I would disappear on him halfway through my agreed duty.
And so, I'm completely booked for the rest of the day- airport, meetings, and sleep eventually. It's so pretty outside, I can't sit here and type anymore. I need to go outside!
Here's to hoping your day is blessed and peaceful- full of joy and completely beautiful too.

The end, the beginning...

The man I blogged about previously, who so wonderfully LIVED his life, was a cousin of my step father's I've been brought to understand. He went through leukemia, pain and suffering, yet kept his head held high until the end. On Friday he went home from the clinic after learning that his kidney was failing and that the infection he had was potentially (or was) spreading. He wanted to be at home. On Saturday evening, I received a call from my mother while I was out at a totally wonderful conference, that he had gone home to be with the Lord. I was sad for a moment but then quickly remembered the impact he had on so many lives... including my own, to not let life pass you by no matter what the hurdle. I don't have much to type right now, as I am so very tired and ready to sleep, but I ask all of you to keep his family in your prayers- I am going to do the same. God bless everyone and I hope to be back on here soon. Much love.

Making amends... even when they don't remember.

Tonight I went to a meeting, ran into a few people I know from the past. First I'll say that I have been really balking at the whole amends thing when it comes to a certain person. I met him in 2007 at a meeting and dated him in a weird sort of way, but I wasn't finished yet and I was a total b!t@# towards him then. I didn't want to say I was sorry for anything because I felt he was a total butthole. So- I approached him tonight because he was talking to a friend of mine and I couldn't just ignore him. He was saying hello and telling me I looked really familiar. I reminded him who I was, or tried to, but he didn't remember any of the situation. I just kinda slipped in and said, if you do remember, I'm really sorry for everything I did back then. And that felt good. To have been able to apologize, even though it wasn't a big deal to him, but he also apologized to me if he'd done anything back then. I was so not spiritually fit at that point, and I was on the verge of relapse anyway. That was cool.
Another situation, I heard someone sharing- her name came first and I looked over at her and realized that she was someone I was acquainted with. She's been sober for like eighteen months. At the end of the meeting I told her I was proud of her and then introduced myself, telling her where she knew me from. She gave me a huge hug and we spoke to each other for a while. It was a good night, the whole day was good actually. I know today though, that every day is a good day if I look at it the right way... if I can take a step back and acknowledge the positive in every situation, no matter how bad it might look at first, things seem to fall into place.
I was able to see quite a few people I know, I hadn't been at the Hope for quite a while because I was upset with the directors there based on something I took too personally. Tonight I decided to ignore the delusional thinking that they don't like me there... a lot of people were actually glad to see me- to see me doing well too. A beautiful day.
I was invited by the guy I made amends to, to go out to have coffee or whatever with a bunch of guys... I had to decline. For the first time in my life I'm seeing it as a bit disrespectful to hang out with the guys, especially since I'm seeing someone right now. I don't know how to explain it, I just feel more tied to one person and I don't want him to get the wrong idea, hearing that I went and met up with other dudes... whatever. I'm ok with that too. I feel good about saying no to that, dude was like, I'm not trying to hook up or anything, just wanted you to come hang out. I, as politely as possible, told him that I feel uncomfortable with it right now. Fact is, I don't know how the person I'm seeing would react, and I'd rather get his opinion on the matter before I make a decision that could hurt him, even if it's as innocent as just chillin with the peeps. Things mean more to me now, I have to look at everything I do, and not give anyone the wrong impression of me. I like my life now and there's no reason whatsoever to complicate things that way. I would rather have people making up stories out of nothing than taking something and twisting it to cause chaos for me. Whatever- I'm just glad I woke up this morning and was able to experience this awesome program one more day, one more time... so, until tomorrow- I hope you will sleep in peace and wake up tomorrow being blessed by the Lord in many ways. Much love... me

Life- and getting the most out of it.

I most often will start a blog with "I've come to realize", or "I've learned"... primarily because I'm always learning something new about myself. Today's blog will be no different, I think I'm putting this in here because things will seem a little repetitive in wording. Fact is, I'm enjoying life today, and having been on the edge of insanity, ready to die- I figure now that this life is worth living, if only to help another human being learn to face it.
I've come to realize by reading some other blogs that life isn't always easy. We are faced with difficulties every day in one form or another... today I am looking at someone else's life and learning to be even more greatful to be healthy and free of my disease's grips. You can learn a lot from someone else's life's issues. I actually ended up on this site originally to read someone else's blog. It contains facts about one man's struggles with leukemia- I'm learning that he's no ordinary man, because he's faced death nearly- and has come through it shining and smiling, the most recent quote being "I have too much shit left to do". I love that- I really do.
My step-father's family actually knows this guy somehow. I remember when my grandfather was dying of cancer, when I learned I was pregnant with my first in the year 2000, he went on one day about needing to get up and get ready to leave for the Buskirk wedding. (my grandfather was another of those who defied some odds and held on until the bitter end with a love for life, not wanting to let it go.) Anyway, I've heard this name for the past ten years nearly, and although the reasons suck as to why I've come to regard this man so highly, I'm so greatful to him- and to God for teaching me that no matter what is going on- no matter how far down I go, I can look at it optimistically and hold my head up. We all have shit left to do, and if God isn't ready to take me, why on earth would I want to help the evil one along by giving into the pesimistic option of laying down and giving up? Fact is, I don't want to do that. I almost did once, and it wasn't at a very good stopping point.
I have more work to do here, and being that I've come through some hardship (of my own making), I see no reason to let go of all God has given me this time: a chance to be something more than I was, the chance to be a mother to my children, to actually be a wife to someone eventually. I have a freakin choice today, to get messed up or not to, to give in to the temptation of one more trip out the doors of the program, but you know, I really don't want to. I want to live, and that's the plan... until someone else chooses something different for me.
I don't know who's reading this, and I hope one day that I too can impact someone's life positively. It's a great joy to know that someone may get a little out of this blog... my posts are just about me and the way I'm seeing things day to day. I'm trying not to preach any one thing to anybody- but as for me, I'm going to serve the Lord to the best of my ability, enjoying life and everything it has to offer, one day at a time.
God bless you all and hope your life is impacted today, if not by me, by someone else who's realized that this life IS for something. Good luck on finding your own purpose here...

The beginning...

I figure that since it's the beginning of a new year and new chapter in my life, I will begin an entirely new blog here... probably will have the link on my myspace page because all of my blogs have been there up until this moment. Recovery has been a wonderful process, and since I am still learning and growing, a lot of my story will probably be told here.
My life is an open book, and when questioned about my past, I really don't care what the question, I answer honestly. It's the past and not part of my life anymore. Most of the chaos has been learned from, some has just been set down and given over to a Higher authority because I have no reason to continue holding on to it. From books I've read and things I've been taught, what negative I hold on to can kill me. I can no longer hold grudges, look badly at another human being- it's amazing how much of me can be saved, and how happy I have been by forgiving everyone who I felt did anything against me. Fact is, I've learned that a lot of the resentment I had towards people was founded on delusion and selfishness anyway.
I don't settle by any means, I just accept people as they are and for the positive they have to offer. I don't have to be around the negative, and have learned to completely remove myself from those who create too much ucky drama in my life. I have friends today, very few of them, but they are true friends. I don't associate with people who spend their time bashing other people verbally. I finally see that the reason people do that is because they are conditioned to do anything and everything in their power to make themselves look better. A lot of people don't like to see others living happier, fuller lives than themselves. It is what it is, you get what you get as long as you do what you do. No one else is to blame for my unhappiness in life but me... it's a cool lesson learned.
God bless you all.