the switch...

I'm really trying to figure something out. Someone I care about oh so much told me she wished she had my switch. I was confused at first. It took a few seconds of thinking, and it clicked. I have a way with things today, that I don't let things bother me for more than a few minutes. I figure, every moment of discontentedness = a minute that could be spent happy and helping other people. I don't like everything that is going on in my life right now, but so be it. I can't do anything right this second to make all that go away, so I'm gonna try my best and strive for as close to perfect as I can get in getting past obstacles. If I want something, and I don't think it is obtainable, I have to accept that. If I'm involved with someone in any way and they decide to move on, I cannot just sit and fret over it. I don't want to waste any more time in this life stuck on something I can't do anything about. I'm not over some things and don't know when I will be, or if I will be. I can only try to get through them and in the future be wherever I am. I don't want anyone to sit and wait for me to finish holding on to crap. If I can't let something go, I don't want to complicate other people with those issues... especially if they are issues that potentially could hurt someone else. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just feel I need to live my life to the fullest and allow others to do the same. Life ain't always beautiful- I've said it before... so has the song... but it's a beautiful ride. So, I'm going to sit back, and enjoy the ride until God decides it's time for me to run out of gas. Life rocks today- even when it sucks... Life sucks so much better than it did when I was out there. I think I am going to stick around and see what wonderfulness happens!
I love ya'll
May God bless the remainder of your week~

Tuesday

I've got the notion that if I wear a patch and stay away from the house today, I will refrain from smoking for the day. I want to stop- I really do. And with all the chaos... I can either keep smoking and since I smoke too much when I'm stressed out, end up coughing my lungs up for the next few years. Or I can try to quit and hopefully keep my lungs where they are supposed to be. I have other health issues which are complicated by smoking, and I really want to get on the more healthy side of things. SOOOOOO- here goes my first try of the year.
Have a wonderfully blessed day and may the love of God surround you through it!

I, I, I.

I feel tired
I feel let down
I feel left behind.
I want something
I want to feel alive
I want to get back to moving forward
I don't like this
I don't like wondering
I don't like feeling replaced
I need to breathe
I need to get through this safely
I need to pray.
I miss what I never had
I miss what I took for granted
I miss what was never meant to be.
I am reaching out
I am reaching for something real
I am reaching and grasping onto nothing.
It's not raining anymore
The tears are no longer falling
So much hurt comes along with letting go.
How many times will I fall on my butt before I catch on?
How many people will I push away before I allow myself to move forward?
How many times will I allow him to get to me this way?
I want to be finished.
I want the hurt to end.
I want to close that chapter.
I really do.

And to think- life CAN get better than it is today. WOW!

I stuck to that decision I made and had the talk with someone. I am so glad I did, because it opened the door for bigger and better things to take place in my life. I had a wonderful evening with a wonderful person last night, I don't remember the last time I stayed up til later than two in the morning talking and listening to someone about something other than recovery. Learning about and getting to know someone more- being happy while doing so- it's not new to me, but for some reason I'm excited.
I'm getting ready to throw some clothes in the washing machine, and to clean up a little bit. I need to do that. I want to go to a meeting today- and I want to see my kids (which I will because I'm picking the girls up from school). I want to do so many things today, I can't list them all. I am happy- and I am free from worry today. I know that God is making things work out the way they are supposed to.
I'm changing, more than I expected- and I like it.

decisions

This morning proved to me that I am not in the right place with the person I am dating. He and I get along fabulously and have had an awesome time together. I been encountering little things that make me question, and yesterday I was in a spot knowing I needed to talk to him about he and I, but was waiting for a day where I wasn't super busy so that I could devote some time to questions he might have... and I also needed to pray about it and seek peace and understanding within myself so that I know for me that my motives are right in the WHOLE situation. I'm not gonna jinx anything that's falling into place yet so I'm keeping myself quiet about a few things. I'm happy in general- and I am at peace. I know that God is leading me in the right direction right now. I'm about to dive headfirst into my recovery effort- not so much time on me because I feel my spirituality being compromised by the things I've allowed in my life. It's time for me and God. Keep ya posted.
God bless and love you all.

a strange day

I have been doing alright, most days. Today I've kept my head held high. I have less than one hour left before another day begins. I've been sober all day- and if I can make it forty three minutes more, I'll be able to say that I've been sober for four months. This is exciting. My challenge lies in the life I live without my children with me constantly. I see them on the weekend, sometimes during the week I pick the girls up from school- or even just go have lunch with them. But I miss them. I miss what I took for granted for so very long. There is my regret that I carry all too heavily as a burden... I took my time with my family for granted. In May, I will have lived separate from my children for two years- and that hurts me. I see them whenever I want to, yet not tucking them in each night, not hugging them and seeing them every day, it takes a lot out of me. A LOT.
Emotionally, I've struggled for the last two days. I see that God has me right where He wants me to be. I see that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. Yet I am having a hard time with acceptance.

morning- should not be confused with mourning

It's Friday! I'm picking up my children this afternoon and can't wait to see them. I have some time before I have to go to the school so I will probably go to a meeting and perhaps tan on my way to pick them up. Meeting is from twelve to one and I pick them up at two thirty, I need SOMETHING to do between, so there you go. I woke up at almost ten this morning. I'm not tired though, which is a good thing. I'm ready to face the day- even though I haven't gotten dressed yet. HA HA!
Hope you all have a wonderful and blessed day. Love and big hugs!